Friendship Plans for Matt™

What kind of platonic male bonding are you looking for?

Making friends past 30 can be tough. Everyone has competing obligations, and you never quite know exactly where you stand in terms of priority. This is why I'm excited to offer prospective friends a variety of commitment plans to choose from. Consider what you're looking for in a friendship with me, then pick the commitment plan that best suits your emotional needs:

Neighbor in your apartment building

Perfect for people who are looking for strictly surface-level interactions. I'll say hello when I pass you in the stairwell, and make myself available for any conversations about how our landlord sucks. If you're headed out of town, I may water your plants or feed your cat if it doesn't interfere with my other plans. If I'm not in a hurry, I'll scoop Amazon packages from the mail room and drop them at your door, but I expect you to do the same for me.

Workwife

I will validate any and all feelings you have about the nature of your job/career. Think this company is bullshit and provides nothing of value to the world? Hell yeah, man. We’re living in a capitalist hellscape. Full of ruthless ambition, and don't care who gets in your way? Let's plot to get the boss accused of harassment. Note this package stipulates I get to Slack you unlimited memes.

Drinking buddy

I'm always available to go to the bar. To me, there's nothing better than having a few brewskis with the boys. I'll never ask a prying question about your alcohol intake. In fact, I'll probably encourage you to drink more. And if your other friends host an intervention, I'll be conspicuously absent. If you do manage to get sober, I'll make jokes about how much more fun you were when you were a raging alcoholic. Deep down, I'll resent you for making me drink alone.

Drinking buddy + sports

Similar to the drinking buddy package, but I also have an encyclopedic knowledge of all major sports leagues. 100% of our conversations will be about our favorite teams and / or fantasy teams. Want to place a 25-leg parlay? I'll get my girlfriend's credit card. Want to sit around and name obscure retired athletes? Wally Szczerbiak. And when you act out violently after your team loses the big game, I won't mention that you're really just channeling unresolved trauma from your childhood—because I'll be acting out violently with you.

Cousins

With the Cousins package, I'm available to have deep conversations about how messed up our family is once every 3-6 months. If you're younger than me, I'll be sure to expose you to drugs, alcohol, and nudity. If you're older than me, I'll expect you to expose me to drugs, alcohol, and nudity. I promise I'll always be there for you until you ask to borrow money.

Interloper friend

As the Interloper, I'm not part of the friend group per se, but I've been hanging around you guys for a while, and I like the cut of your jib. Don't ask me who I know here or who I usually hang out with, but I'd love to invite you back to my apartment. Just you, nobody else. I can show you my CD collection.

Toxic friend

Anytime you attempt to confide in me, I'll fan the flames of your insecurity. Guy bump into you at the bar? He's emasculating you. Girlfriend not texting you back? She's cheating. The more self-destructive your behavior, the better. My job isn't complete until you feel as low as I do.

Weird dynamic friend

We have a totally normal and healthy relationship, except I make significantly more money than you. Or I hooked up with your ex. Or I'm gay but still in the closet. In other words, there's something slightly off between us. But it's far too awkward to address directly. So we just try not to acknowledge it until it comes up at the most inopportune time. And then we stop talking. 

Co-founder

I'm your college roommate who you made the ill-fated decision to launch a startup with. My credentials are I earned and lost two million dollars during the crypto bubble, and I copied your homework to pass computer science before dropping out of school to focus on retweeting Elon Musk. We work so well together as a team: you do product, sales, and hiring, and I lie to VCs to juice our valuation. When you eventually try to oust me from the company, you'll discover all the materials I plan to blackmail you with.

Married friend

I'll still be here for you, as long as "here" is the suburb I've decided to move to. You'll really love visiting. The recreation center has a pickleball court, and there's a great frisbee golf course 20 minutes away. You may secretly think I've become more boring since I got married and moved to the suburbs, but that's actually because I stopped drinking. I still can't believe you didn't attend my intervention.

Married with kids friend

Hey, we had a good run. But now my entire existence revolves around a toddler in the midst of a big "everything can be colored in with crayon" phase. Hey, who am I to stifle their burgeoning artistic ability? I'd love to get together soon, but my schedule is a wreck. I do have availability six Thursdays from now for 45 minutes. Let me know if that works for you!

Perpetually single friend

My sex life is more interesting than yours, and I talk about that instead of the crushing loneliness I feel every waking second of the day. I'm always available to have you wingman me at a bar, corporate function, grocery store, hospital, or therapy appointment. And I'll constantly ask you for feedback on my Hinge opening lines. I promise my dating life will never come before our friendship because I’m terrified of committing myself to someone romantically.

Ride-or-die

I'm your best friend—and that means I'll tell you things nobody else has the guts to tell you. For instance, if I don't like your fiancee, best believe I'm going to buy you a beer the night before your wedding and try to convince you to abandon her. And if you still decide to go through with it, I'll make a bunch of backhanded remarks during my best man speech, then get drunk and fight her father. Why? Because I love you man, and I really don't want you to move to the suburbs.

Old friend

We haven’t talked in a long time because you got married, moved to the suburbs, and had kids. But now your kids are out of the house, and I’m fully sober. It’d be great to see you again, and I promise I won’t say ‘I told you so’ about the divorce.

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As you can see, I offer commitment plans to suit whatever kind of platonic male bonding you're searching for. I can be the best friend you ever had, or the worst.

If none of the above plans suit your needs, I do offer one additional friendship plan: newsletter subscriber. With this super-low commitment plan, I’ll only reach out to you if I have some high-quality content to drop in your inbox. Consider subscribing today: