[Guest Post] How I Spent My Twitter Vacation

When Twitter went down, I finally had time to do some important things with my life.

This week’s post is written by my friend Jason Levin—a very funny dude who also runs a content studio for startups. His newsletter Cyber Patterns is read by 4k people each week, and I’ll be contributing to his book, Memes Make Millions, currently available for pre-order.

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Last Wednesday, Twitter broke. The service stopped letting users tweet, DM, or follow new accounts.

Many were angry. I was grateful. I finally found the time to do some important things with my life, such as…

Call my Mom. I hadn’t spoken to her since I downloaded Twitter in 2011. We had a lovely conversation. Turns out she finally left my dad. I should call him.

Do my taxes. I always thought they were optional. When Twitter went down, I finally had time to read the 17 letters I received from the IRS. I’m going to jail next week. Turns out taxes are not so optional. 

Meditate. I’m officially better than you. 1 minute and 17 seconds better.

Train my dog. I taught him some of my favorite tricks, such as how to doomscroll Twitter. We’re still working on composing tweets.

Plan my retirement. No Twitter meant my career was basically in the toilet, too. So I started looking at beach homes on the Italian riviera in the Sandbox metaverse.

Apply to jobs. Unfortunately, with Twitter broken, the market for shitposters was also way down. The only organization that offered me a gig was Twitter itself. I was in charge of mocking ex-Twitter employees about how much better the service was doing without them.  

Find the lost city of Atlantis. It only took 12 minutes of searching on Google Earth. We’ve all been distracted by social media for so long that we forget what’s important.

Start a Twitter competitor. It was actually incredibly easy. But all the users were Russian bots using ChatGPT and deep fake software to post subversive hate speech. So I sold it to Truth Social and used the proceeds to buy that metaverse beach house. 

Go outside. It’s wild all the stuff they got out here: trees and plants and animals. And not the metaverse kind, but ones you can actually touch with your hands. I’d like to go outside again someday.

Go to sleep. I hadn’t slept since the FTX collapse. I just couldn’t bring myself to get off Twitter long enough. Well, I finally did it. I fell asleep on the train and ended up in the greatest state in the country: New Jersey!

And when I got back from New Jersey, Twitter was working again. Unfortunately, I hadn’t finished training my dog, and he immediately posted a tweet making fun of Elon Musk. My account was permanently suspended. Oh well, not like they let you use Twitter in jail, anyway. My dog will manage my Mastadon account while I serve my time.

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