Couple's therapy is a productive way to address recurring issues in a relationship and lay a foundation for growth. It's also a competition with clearly defined winners and losers. After attending couple's therapy with my fiancee for nearly 2 years, I consider myself something of an expert in winning couple's therapy sessions—and I can show you how to do it. If you're a couple with lots of problems and money to throw at them, here’s a 7-step approach that ensures you'll never have to take responsibility for behavior detrimental to the well-being of your relationship:
Don't talk. The golden rule of couple's therapy is whoever talks more, loses. Talking signifies that you have problems, either with yourself or with your partner. The therapist will then explain why your problems with your partner are really just problems with yourself, and problems with yourself are just unresolved traumas. Best to avoid the entire situation and only speak when you need to defend yourself from your partner's accusations, which brings us to Step 2.
Gaslight your partner. Say your partner complains you don't clean up around the house. The reason they’re complaining is they're a neat freak suffocating you with their desire to institute order in a disordered world. This need stems from the fact that they had a parent who was overly strict and never gave them positive reinforcement. None of this needs to be true—just believable enough to convince the therapist. If executed properly, the therapist will then question your partner, who will start talking again. Repeat this step as many times as needed.
Feign self-reflection. Sometimes you'll get painted into a corner that gaslighting can't get you out of. At these times, it's important to know how to act like a person who's had a therapeutic breakthrough. Essentially, you'll want to relate the behavior you're being challenged on to some kind of past trauma that may or may not be real. Explain how this trauma affected you, and how it manifests in your current behavior. Then say the words "that doesn't make it okay," before laying out a plan for how you will improve yourself because you "care about us."
Gaslight your therapist. If the therapist doesn't buy your self-reflection gambit, then it's time to go on the offensive. You may think therapists are impervious to emotionally manipulative behaviors, but speaking as someone marrying a therapist, that's not true. The key is to make your therapist feel bad that you've shared a very sensitive piece of information about yourself, and they're "making you feel rejected" by it. Bonus points if you can relate your therapist’s behavior to something one of your parents used to do to you as a child.
Learn cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are exaggerated thought patterns that have no basis in fact. For someone trying to win a couple's therapy session, they're like your sixth man who can come off the bench and put up 20 points in 10 minutes. The reason cognitive distortions are so powerful is because they allow you to speak the language of therapy, which lends weightiness to your perspective. If your partner feels you ignore them because you don't care about what they have to say, they're actually just "catastrophizing," or assuming the worst possible reason for every scenario. Conversely, if your partner believes you two don't spend enough quality time together, it's an example of "filtering," or draining all the positives out of a situation and only focusing on the negatives. After all, you’re both spending time together right now, in couple's therapy! Also, if your partner ever says something particularly harsh about you, be sure to tell the therapist you're feeling "emotionally dysregulated.” They’ll love that.
Tell everyone you're in couple's therapy. For starters, it's a great way to endear yourself to other liberal-leaning millennial and Gen Z couples, who will inevitably go home and have a conversation about whether or not they too should be in couple's therapy. More importantly, it conveys to your partner that you value couple's therapy, which will provide the goodwill you'll need when you gaslight your way through your next session.
Remember what you're here for. There are two types of people who go to couple's therapy. Ones who genuinely want to put in the work to foster a loving and functional relationship, and ones who want to win. If you come to your couple's therapy session with the intention of being vulnerable and honest, you will lose couple's therapy. And when you lose couple's therapy, you have to take responsibility for your behavior, or risk losing the relationship. But if you play to win, you can delay the inevitable for months, or maybe even years. If you're a true champion, you can avoid personal growth for the rest of your life.
We live in an age where therapy isn't only de-stigmatized, but celebrated. This poses a huge threat to people with inflated egos who are unwilling or unable to put in the personal work needed to be in a loving relationship. With my 7-step plan, these individuals can now perpetuate the abuse they experienced as a child in their adult relationships unabated by therapeutic intervention. The truly great ones—the Tom Brady's of couple's therapy—will eventually find someone to procreate with them, allowing them to pass these toxic behaviors down to a new generation of emotionally damaged people. When you play to win couple’s therapy, this cycle of abuse is what we call a championship dynasty.
Q&A on the article
Q: My fiancee said this is a guide to an abusive relationship.
A: Yeah, my fiancee said the same thing.
Q: What do you want people to take away from this?
A: Uh, don’t try and win couple’s therapy.
Q: What’s your record in couple’s therapy sessions?
A: Definitely above .500