I'll Do These Important Things Once I Do All These Less Important Things
Or, why I didn't write anything last week.
I have many important things to do today. Like writing, and exercising, and earning money. And believe me, I'm going to do these important things ... in about 30 minutes or so.
That's just enough time to read three email newsletters, browse Reddit theories on the ending of "Succession," and update my fantasy baseball roster. After all, I can't seriously focus on the important things until I find an injury replacement for Cody Bellinger. Should I pick up Jake McCarthy, or Marcell Ozuna? Sure, McCarthy steals a ton of bases, but Baseball Savant really loves Ozuna's exit velocity.
Maybe I should read five articles that explain how sabermetrics work and also check my Vanguard investment portfolio before I do the important things.
After all, I can’t engage in the work that might actually make a difference in my life when my shares in Coinbase are down 90%. That reminds me: I should find a way to log into my Coinbase account. I haven't been able to check my balance since Coinbase started requiring two-factor authentication. The last time I tried to log on, Coinbase asked for a picture of my driver's license to prove my identity and I got scared because I read the SEC sued Coinbase for operating an illegal securities exchange. Like, I don't want to give my ID to potential criminals, but I also have a masochistic desire to know how much money I’ve lost on Ethereum.
Maybe I should call the Coinbase customer service line and reorganize all the shirts in my closet by color when they place me on hold for two hours and then read a bunch of blogs on men's fashion before I start working on the important things.
After all, I can’t do the things that are closely tied to my identity and self-worth when I'm not even sure how guys are supposed to dress anymore. Like, is it now cool to wear shiny running shoes with oversized pants? I see this look everywhere and it’s usually worn by dudes who hide their like counts on Instagram. What's up with hiding your like count anyway? Do people just do that when the post doesn't get a sufficient amount of likes? Or maybe it's a way to minimize the clout-chasing aspects of social media and focus on human connection. That seems like a good idea, then.
Maybe I should hide the like counts on my Instagram profile and also download TikTok and get way too into ping pong videos and practice my own ping pong game before I start working on the important things.
After all, I can’t perform the tasks that will bolster my emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being if I don't even know how to do one of those cool ping pong serves where you put spin on the ball. If you hit it right, your opponent should only be able to loft their return shot, which makes it easier to spike it in their face. I've watched dozens of YouTube videos that teach you the precise wrist movements needed to maximize ping pong spin. Did you know the best ping pong players in the world produce ball rotations of 170 RPM? Maybe I should buy a tachometer on Amazon so I can measure my own RPM.
Yes, right after I buy a tachometer, perfect my ping pong serve, clear my inbox, understand the ending to "Succession," update my fantasy baseball roster, learn sabermetrics, log into my Coinbase account, update my wardrobe, become a TikTok power user, and represent team USA at the 2024 World Table Tennis Championships in South Korea ... then I'll be ready to start working on the important things.
Q&A on the article
Q: Procrastinate much?
A: Well, last week was the first time since I launched this newsletter in mid-December that I didn’t publish anything, so this felt appropriate.
Q: Why do you think you procrastinated?
A: Because writing is hard and there’s always the chance that what you produce might suck, which is painful to think about. Much easier to play ping pong.
Q: Or check emails, or Reddit, or TikTok…
A: Yeah, the idea was to show how easy it is to spiral into doing all sorts of random stuff.
Q: I’ve noticed you started publishing on Thursday instead of Tuesday or Wednesday. Why is that?
A: Procrastination.