In days of yore, men fought for any number of reasons: conquest, tribalism, sex, sport, etc. In 2024 men still fight for all these reasons—except now they’re made to feel more ashamed about it if they’re liberal. As such, it’s crucial to know when it’s okay to engage in combat with your fellow man. Here’s a list of common scenarios in which you may be tempted to fight, and how to determine your best course of action:
Is he talking shit? Can you think of a clever response? Of course not. You can never think of a good comeback in the moment. That's why you're taking improv classes. Fight that guy.
Did he shove you first? Did he do it in front of people who respect you? Is their respect contingent upon you being able to assert your dominance in a group setting? Are you not concerned about this unhealthy dynamic in your friend group? No? And you still can't think of a comeback? Fight that guy.
Is he talking to your date? Are they flirting? Or is the nature of their interaction ambiguous? After all, it's a crowded bar. Perhaps his hand is on the small of her back because he's trying to shuffle past her. Also, she's her own woman. She doesn't need you to run to her defense every time a guy makes an unwanted advance. Oh wait, you don't care about her experience? You're only interested in protecting your ego? Ok, fight that guy.
Did he just beat you in a hotly contested game of pool? Did you miss shots you usually make because lots of people were watching and you sometimes crumble under pressure? Did you have good competitive banter during the game, and he was extremely graceful in victory? Javelin him through the heart with a pool cue.
Is he a fan of another sports team? Is that team playing your team right now and winning? Does he seem a bit too happy about this fact? Did you explain to him that you grew up rooting for your team, and it remains one of the few common languages through which you and your father can communicate openly and without fear of judgement? Upon hearing this, did he become visibly emotional? Don't fight that guy. Ask him about his relationship with his father.
Did he used to hook up with your partner? Did he remind you that he used to hook up with your partner, even though you obviously already knew that because your partner told you in the Uber on the way to the party? Did this new information prompt feelings of insecurity? Can you not believe that your partner would actually go for this guy? I mean, look at him! Seriously? He’s not even that attractive. Don't fight that guy. Fight with your partner when you get home from the party.
Did he just cut you off on the highway? Did you pull up alongside him and mouth a bunch of curse words while making an angry face? Did he flip you the bird in response? Did that trigger you so hard that you skipped your exit and have been following him for 30 miles? Has he been trying to lose you in traffic, but he drives a hybrid and you're in a Ford F-150 Super Duty with an American flag rear cab window? Is he stopping for gas? Do you live in an open carry state with "Stand Your Ground" laws? Don't fight that guy. Let the pistol in your glove compartment do the fighting for you.
Is he your boss? Do you believe he's bad at his job, and only achieved his rank through a combination of nepotism and office politics? Did he just ask you to re-draft an entire client presentation in time for tomorrow morning's meeting even though it's 4PM? Did he say he left his feedback in the Google Doc, but you checked the Google Doc and there's no feedback? Did you Slack him that there's no feedback and it took him 45 minutes to respond and then he said you were looking at an "old version" of the doc so he Slacked you the new version but didn't grant you access so you Slacked him for access but he never answers Slacks past 5PM even though he Slacks you past 5PM all the time? Did you go to the meeting the next day and present the unedited deck and he says "this isn't what meeting expectations looks like" in front of your whole team? Oh shit, did he just get a promotion? Fight that guy.
Are you attracted to him? Did you ever think you could feel this way about another man until you met him? Does the moonlight dance in his eyes, as if in conversation with the universe? Has he taught you what it means to be understood? To be held? To be loved? Can you envision the rest of your lives together? Maybe a vineyard in Spain. Two adopted children. Dying happy in 50 years, hand in hand, in a scuba diving accident? Uh oh, are these homosexual feelings too much for you to bear? Are you experiencing an identity crisis? Would you prefer to repress your gayness with a hyper-masculine violent outburst? Ok, fight that guy.
Did he just troll you on social media? Was it a really good insult that got a ton of engagement? Did you try to view his profile but it was set to private? Did you create a fake account and upload plausible photos of an attractive woman to try and catfish him? Did he respond to your DMs? Have you been going back and forth for several days trying to convince him you're a Lithuanian model who wants to be his friend? Has he finally agreed to tell you where he lives? Go to his house and fight that guy.
Is he bigger than you? Did you say something stupid to piss him off? Is he walking towards you menacingly? Have you never actually been in a fight, even though you spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about it? Do you think about fighting a lot because you were raised in a culture that emphasizes male aggression and domination? Have you explained to the bigger guy that this is a problematic dichotomy in which all men, in some way or another, are victims? Did this insight prompt a moment of reflection from the bigger guy? Good. While he’s distracted, kick him in the balls and run as fast as you can.