For, uh, various reasons, you may have recently discovered that one or multiple people in your life now hate Jews.
As a Jewish person, this can obviously be a little disconcerting. Especially if the people espousing such anti-semitism are also the friends who normally adhere to a progressive worldview that upholds the equal worth of all human life.
If you find yourself in such a situation, you basically have two options. The first option is to ex-communicate these anti-semitic friends. This is a great option if you're ready for your social circle to be comprised entirely of fellow Jews, or if you're prepared to give up your way of life and go live on a kibbutz. Unfortunately, outside of these circumstances, it's actually quite hard to go about your day-to-day life without encountering someone who, deep down, holds anti-semitic beliefs. And if you think I'm exaggerating, just consider all the beloved people throughout history who hate Jews (and these are just the ones we know about).
This brings us to option two: try to dissuade your friends of their anti-semitic beliefs. This is easier said than done, but necessary if you wish to maintain close relationships with people who don't find your existence problematic. Since mainstream anti-semitism has only recently come back in fashion, there's still time to win over your friends before they go full Charlottesville. But time is of the essence. Here are some modest proposals for ridding a friend of their anti-semitism:
Take your friend for a bagel. It's mathematically impossible to maintain your anti-semitism while enjoying the crown jewel of Jewish cuisine. Studies have shown that biting into a well-crisped bagel neutralizes the part of the anti-semite's brain that questions if the Holocaust actually happened or why Jewish people need their own nation-state. Interestingly, this effect is heightened if the anti-semite orders lox with cream cheese on their bagel, but lessened if they order bacon, egg, and cheese.
Make your friend watch "Curb Your Enthusiasm." "Curbed" embraces the quirkiness of Jewish-American culture in a manner anyone can find endearing. Even the most virulent anti-semite wishes they could handle social situations with the same verve as Larry David. In fact, loving Larry David may be one of the few things that Semites and anti-semites agree on.
Bring your friend to Passover dinner. Most Jewish holidays (and Jewish life in general) are about the same thing: they tried to kill us, but we got away. Passover is just the one with the best plot, which is why the story of Passover has been turned into a bunch of decent movies, and one truly great episode of "Rugrats." No anti-semite has ever heard the story of Passover—featuring, among other things, plagues, child murder, and oceanic disaster—and slurped down a bowl of matzo ball soup, then gone out and vandalized a synagogue (that's what Hanukkah is for).
Invite your friend to a Bar Mitzvah. Aside from a wedding, a Bar Mitzvah is the most expensive party a Jewish person (or, more specifically, a Jewish person's parents) will host in their life. These parties have everything: an open bar, a 2000's dance mix, weird themes based on the cursory interests of a 13-year-old (basketball! science!), and did I mention an open bar? Sometimes, celebrities make an appearance. Anti-semitism wilts under the sunlight that is Bar Mitzvah vibes. Just don't expect the DJ to play Kanye.
Teach your friend about all the important things Jewish people have invented: This list includes the weekend (specifically Saturday), behavioral economics, game theory, animal rights, USB flash drives, Waze navigation, the desert eagle pistol, the Uzi submachine gun, monotheism, drip irrigation systems, the board game "Guess Who?", krav maga, the theory of relativity, feminism, quantum mechanics, the birth control pill, jeans, bulletproof glass, Wix.com, and, technically speaking, Jesus Christ. Actually, it might be best to leave Jesus out of it.
Remind your friend that Paul Rudd is Jewish. Who doesn't like Paul Rudd?
Will any of these techniques actually work? I have no idea. Anti-semitism has a pesky habit of cropping up whenever Israel enters the news cycle (and also when Israel isn't in the news cycle). The good news is that most of your friends will likely find a new group of people to be outraged at in a few weeks and go back to not caring at all about the basic human rights of Jews or Palestinians. The bad news is that most of your friends will likely find a new group of people to be outraged at in a few weeks and go back to not caring at all about the basic human rights of Jews or Palestinians.
In the meantime, you can buy all 10 seasons of "Curbed" right now for only $120
Behind the writing
There have been a lot of strong opinions flying around social media these past few weeks, but I think one thing we can all agree on is that hate towards any group of people (Jewish, Palestinian, etc.) is bad. As a Jewish person in America, I wanted to talk about my experience amid the rising tide of anti-semitism using a format I feel comfortable with; satire. I can understand the criticism of the Israeli government, but it’s saddening and frightening to see some individuals leveraging this moment to also promote anti-semitic rhetoric and behavior. Hate is never a productive solution, and I hope the people currently promoting a hateful agenda (whether intentionally or out of ignorance) will recognize that fact soon and find a way to express their POV in a manner that respects the humanity of all affected parties.
Thank you Matt! This is a refreshing reminder that amidst the darkness of times humor is medicine.