How to Manage Finances as a Couple
Don't break up over money. Do this instead.
In a world of $8 tomatoes and no Netflix password sharing, young people must pool their resources together if they hope to achieve the American dream of not living paycheck-to-paycheck. And yet, a recent survey found that roughly one in three Millennial and Gen Z couples break up over money. This is a tragedy I'm all too familiar with.
I grew up in a family where money was a cause of frequent infighting. Fortunately, I managed not to allow any of that trauma to seep into my adult relationships, meaning I'm highly qualified to lecture you on exactly how you should be managing finances as a couple.
The first step is to not, under any circumstances, talk about money.
This is very easy to do i) early in the relationship when it's awkward to broach the subject of money (unless you're seeing someone who offers up their salary on the first date, in which case you have a different set of problems), and ii) if you're the person in the relationship who makes more money (also known as the “coinage-owning capitalist king,” or “COCK” for short), and therefore isn't as impacted by the money you spend as a couple.
As the relationship progresses, the person who makes less money (also known as the “smaller income-making person,” or “SIMP” for short) will start to feel increasingly strained by the lifestyle creep being imposed upon them by the COCK (e.g., multiple dinners out per week, airfare for your first big couple's trip to Costa Rica, etc.). This tension will progress until the SIMP has the poor manners to confront the COCK about the untenability of the current arrangement.
If you're the COCK in the relationship, you're now faced with a choice. On the one hand, you can acknowledge that it's not reasonable to expect your partner to spend as freely as you do when they earn less money. In doing so, you resolve to pay for more expenses you incur as a couple, which you should have been doing all along you cheap bastard.
Or, you can take their plea for financial equitability in your relationship the wrong way. In doing so, you begin to speculate if they only like you for your money, and why your relationship has to "feel so transactional." This is an effective way to not consider your partner's emotions—and is surprisingly easy to do if you're immature, insecure, male, conflate your self-worth with your salary (a common affliction in coastal cities), or some combination of all four.
If this is your read on the situation, your next move is to really double down on not talking about money. This might require the COCK to cut back on conspicuous personal spending, so as not to give the SIMP an opportunity to express their frustration. Eventually, the COCK will need to resort to gaslighting to keep the SIMP at bay. If you’re the COCK, you’ll want to memorize and practice the following phrase in the mirror: "I don't know why you always have to bring it back to money.”
At this stage, the SIMP will probably start asking their friends in relationships how they handle finances. Then they'll go to the COCK and say annoying things like "Brad picks up the check every time he and Stacy go out to dinner." Upon hearing this, it's crucial for the COCK to delegitimize Stacy and Brad's relationship in any way possible. "Brad pays for all of Stacy's dinners because he feels guilty because he's cheating on her" is an effective way to not allow Brad's dangerous ideas to gain a foothold in your relationship.
Of course, inevitably the relationship will reach a stage where differences over money (and the gaslighting required to maintain those differences) will threaten to end the relationship. It's unlikely that the SIMP will back down from their position because it's financially impossible for them to do so (there they go again, always making it about money). This means the ball is squarely in the court of the COCK—as it usually is in most situations in life.
And what do people with money and serious personality issues do besides post on Twitter and/or run for Congress? Attend couple's therapy.
For the COCK, couples therapy is the beginning of the end of their reign. They'll attempt to advocate their point of view (a huge mistake that directly contradicts my rules on how to win couples therapy) and watch in disbelief as their therapist and partner use it to pick apart their unhealthy relationship to money. Eventually, the COCK’s stance will become completely indefensible, and they'll be forced to do what everyone does when they lose couples therapy: tie their toxic behavior back to unresolved traumas.
With this out in the open, the COCK in the relationship has no leg to stand on, meaning a tentative and shaky financial arrangement can be established.
In this penultimate stage, the couple splits expenses equitably. This means you've added up your total combined income, determined which portion of said income each member contributes (e.g., 60% COCK, 40% SIMP), and resolved to divvy up shared expenses in accordance to this income split (i.e., the COCK pays 60% of every shared expense, the SIMP pays 40%). The SIMP in the relationship is much happier, and the COCK in the relationship is also happier, though they’re more reluctant to admit it.
But because the financial arrangement is still tentative and shaky, the COCK can't help but bring up how they pay more for stuff at opportunistic times. For example, the dishwasher may need to be unstacked, and neither partner wants to do it. In this moment, the COCK may feel compelled to mention that they pay higher rent on the apartment they share with the SIMP, and therefore should be excused from such household chores.
This is manipulative and wrong (though occasionally effective), and must be beaten out of the COCK with a few more couples therapy sessions.
Eventually—all other things being well—the relationship will progress to marriage, which is the final stage of our journey. At this stage, conventional financial wisdom dictates that couples should combine their income (i.e., shared bank and savings accounts, etc.). This is a huge vibe shift, and maybe the first time ever the COCK really asks themselves "can I trust my partner?" Sure, you can trust them not to cheat. But can you trust them not to cash out the IBM stock your uncle gifted you for your bar mitzvah to pay for their shopping spree at Mejuri?
The answer is you have no choice because you love the SIMP—and you've already lost couples therapy. It's at this moment that you cease to be a COCK and are reborn as a joint tax filer. The joint tax filer no longer purchases things with their money, they purchase things with our money. Your partner's ceramics class? Our money. Your partner’s weekend trip with friends? Our money. The gifts you give each other for the holidays? Our money (which begs the question if it's even really a gift).
And this is how you manage finances as a couple—unless you sign a prenup.
Is there a better way? No, just variations of this approach with minor deviations based on the socioeconomic status of each partner (e.g., you're both poor but one of you is unhoused / you're both rich but one of you has generational wealth and will demand a prenup). If all this makes you want to go out and find someone who makes the same amount of money as you, don't. You'll just end up splitting every dinner bill 50/50, which leads to bad sex. Or you'll hook up with your co-worker and discover they get paid more money than you even though you both do the same job.
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Money is a touchy subject for Millennials and Gen Z. Whether this has anything to do with wage stagnation and the rising cost of goods, or everyone's social media/dating app/pandemic-fueled anxious/avoidant attachment style is simply not for me to say. What I can say is that everyone deserves to be in a relationship that feels financially equitable, and if you're lucky enough to feel that way, it's probably because you're the one who makes less money in the relationship.
hahaha good one and much needed!